Happy New Year!

Salutations,

This month I am writing my blogs around my resolutions. One of my many resolutions I have is to blog at least 3 times a week! I hope that with this effort my blog will grow and I can reach more people who are interested in my content. It has been hard for me to consistently blog because previously, I let things get in the way of my passions. 2018 will be different! Look forward to hearing from me at least 3 times a week. I am aiming for a Monday. Wednesday, Friday posting schedule but the ultimate goal is just to have at least three of these blogs up.

Coming into this year I actually wrote down my goals. Granted, I didn't do so until the 1st but they were written down none the less. The first goal I want to talk about surrounds sleep. I had some un-amazing relationships in 2017 with people who took advantage of my kindness. I let these individuals take over my room for various reasons. I don't want to get into too much detail but let's just say I developed a habit of sleeping on the couch. I would estimate that I slept on my couch, falling asleep to the T.V about 340 days out of last year. Needless to say, I formed a habit. When I went to return to sleeping in my room I was met by my dear friend anxiety. I thought it would be impossible for me to fall asleep without the T.V on in the background or the familiarity of the couch. However, I stuck to my guns and have been sleeping in my room, in my tiny twin bed the last few nights. I didn't always have a twin btw, I let one of my ex's take my pillow top mattress becaus...well she lived in it. My son still finds me at night and sleeps with me. I do have to say there is a lot more room for us on the bed than the couch. This equates to better sleep because I have not gotten kicked or slapped by him in his sleep since the couch to bed transition. Winning!!!!

I need to talk to my doctor about my sleep patterns. I have been waking up every two and a half to three hours and after five hours I feel as though I could get up and go about my day. I have been making myself lay the eff back down but I don't exceed seven hours and haven't slept straight through the night. I've never claimed to be normal but this doesn't seem right. Also, I want to start reading before bed. I have been off my reading game and I've always had a passion for reading. I'm assuming that this will help eliminate my before bedtime anxiety as well.

I started with sleep as the first resolution to talk about because getting a good nights sleep is important to all areas of health. It is a basic fundamental thing that I have been taking for granted. It helps you stay young, beautiful, and slim. It's important for brain function and it helps me stay stable. Bipolar people like myself benefit from set schedules and a full nights sleep. When I was drinking I used to be a night owl and now I am perfectly fine with going to bed at 10 pm and definitely way more of a morning person. I am trying to get my ideal schedule down but I seem to be brighter, happier and more productive in the mornings.

I hope your New Year has gotten off to a marvelous start! I would love feedback and questions from you!  And as always,

Stay Fluid,

LQD

So went full Glam to watch the fireworks at the Space Needle. I have on

Kiss lashes: they started with an R and are winged lashes

ELF eyeshadows

Hard Candy loose glitter

*This was my first cut crease and I think it came out great!*

ELF foundation in Coco (black cap and pump)

Wet n Wild eye liner

Ruby Kisses brow powder and gel

Shea Mouisture Bronzer

Tarte Shape Tape Concealor 

Elf highlight powder baked gems

*if you want more details on the look let me know!*

I haven't did pipe cleaner curls and forever. I forgot how cute they are when in the set and when you take them down! *If you want details on that let me know!*

Scarf: H&M

Jacket: Hot Topic Gotham Selina Kyle Jacket

New Direction

Dear Readers,

In an effort to help me stay consistent with blogging, follow my counseling directives, stay humble and help others, I've decided to change this forum to a journal format. This by no means is easy and will surely be unflattering but I believe all in all it will be therapeutic and more beneficial than detrimental. So, let's begin...

Today, I am 11 days sober. I decided after a near 12 year alcoholic binge that it was time to stop. I stopped drinking 12/1/2017 with the support of a dear friend. Alcohol among other things was really messing up my life. After nine days of sobriety and near perfect joy, I decided to let my other addiction get the best of me...Gambling...mind you I have an awesome 8 year old son and well it's this close to Christmas...I felt the need to not just attend A.A meetings about seven days into my sobriety,,,the itch to gamble was growing with each short-term disability check. Yet, I ignored it with some twisted hope that alcohol was the root of my problem and that I could gamble responsibility if I were not drinking. Well, that myth has been debunked. It is oh so true that once you cross that invisible line to compulsive gambling there is no turning back. After, I lost all my money I even considered taking an old man up on his offer for paid sex. Luckily, for me I was too sober to do so.

I blamed it on loneliness but I'm not sure that's it. I have a knack for self sabotage which since my goal is to journal nightly I will get into later. My counselor is determined to find out what it is that I am burying that gives me the capacity for these atrocities but I digress. I am lonely. I mean, I've been in two very sorted relationships this year in which I felt used. I tend to find people who need me because of my insecurities and then get fed up with them, well, needing me. I've had my share of trysts since then but I've since put relationships on hold and am very scared of dating now...I mean where do you go on a date sober? I am so outgoing, interesting and sexy in my mind when I am under the influence but sober? I am reminded of my high school days where I was literally called 'Jesus" I was so good..I had hair of lambs wool they jested because I rocked natural hair before it was in and there were tutorials on how to make it look nice. I just liked the way my hair grew out of my head. I find myself timid, shy and awkward sober. I really battle with confidence and have since I can remember.
I know I am all over the place right now. I have to say after losing my ass at the casino, I am solid in the fact that I can not gamble...sober or not. I would normally have resigned myself to my couch for a week and beat myself up until I could finally peek at myself in a mirror but I remembered a share from an A.A meeting (a bit too late), he said if it is my idea it was probably a bad one. That fact combined that I spent all day Sunday wallowing in my stupidity and sleeping to the point that when my son left for school today he commented that I would probably be in the same spot because I didn't feel good and I would probably sleep all day, got me to move.  I did exactly what I didn't want to do today. I got dressed, put a little makeup on, went to counseling and went into the office where I am helping out currently and guess what? I was blessed. I can't get that money back but I can move forward. Hopefully, this will stick with me and since I am sober, I can remember and actually fast forward the tape next time I've got the bright idea that the casino will solve my problems. I really appreciate you listening.

Stay Fluid,

LQD

Me ignoring all the signs that I shouldn't go to the casino...

I'm so happy before I lost my $$$

Revelation

It has occurred to me that there is no inherent change at 30. While this may not be a news flash to my beloved readers, it was a rude awakening to me. Here I am, ten days into my 30th year and I feel no difference...Well maybe more fatigue and a keener sense of disappointment. I was promised a better sense of self; that once I crossed thirty I would know the woman I am and be more confident in my skin and have more fun in life. 

Since, I have turned 30 I have not once done my make up or styled my hair. I have not coordinated pieces to reflect to the world the "woman I am" through my wardrobe...and I most definitely have not had more fun! I stand in a sheepish awe, somehow I thought I turn 30 and thunder and lighting would crash down, then the clouds would part and my life would be different. My finances would be fixed, my confidence and esteem would peak, I would be the most put together that I'd ever been in my life! Instead I am just unusually tired, not motivated to spend time beautifying myself and in the throws of anticipation as I wait while my Higher Power guides my path and my businesses grow.

What I realize though is there are some major differences between my 20s and what stage has been set for my 30s. I have put drinking behind me. My days of partying and using alcohol to satiate my taste for fun (and for many other reasons...to be honest) are squarely set in my 20s. Also, I am done with excuses, I am accountable for my actions. I will no longer blame what has been done to me or my conditions etc. I am learning to love, forgive and show compassion to myself. I truly believe that I can achieve my dreams and accomplish my goals! Finally, my circle of friends that we're a strong part of my last decade have had no presence in my 30s.

My revelation is that turning 30 wasn't the instant fix I'd hoped for. But, it set the stage for me to transform into the woman I truly am. My priorities have changed and my vision has opened. I am in forward motion.
The only other thing I can say is I do need to build a circle. Making friends is hard but it does make you feel young again. Does she like me? Do I like her? Is she cool? am I cool? Do I wanna be cool? I'm weird and I have trust issues...I have the unrealistic expectation at this age of wanting to be fast friends and sometimes that doesn't sit well with people. With all my childhood relationships severed its hard to go it alone. Yet,  it's better that I stand alone than build my foundation on others (when I did this I took a hard fall). I miss having girlfriends but someday I will again...

Stay Fluid,

LQD

Mrs. Doubtfire

I have some lofty monetary gains goals for this year and as it approaches the half way mark of the year (yes only about 45 more days away), I cringe. Yet, this time I am not going to let Mrs.Doubtfire emerge. I am going to continue to believe and not count out the fact that I a might be a late 'green' bloomer. Usually my depressive, doubtful, self-sabotaging diva Debbie Downer Doubtfire emerges. But no more! I know that I can accomplish my financial goals for this year.
Most of you have heard of the documentary "The Secret'...If you haven't, go watch it...now...it's on NetFlix...I'll wait....I need to focus on the law of attraction and most importantly staying positive. After, I finally gave in to Oprah's and a good friend's recommendation to watch this documentary just a about a month ago, I was completely and utterly shocked. It wasn't nearly as corny as I thought it was going to be. I found a lot of truth in it actually. The more I focused on my goals each day, the more ideas flowed within me to reach them. I started to get on track and I had so many things on my mind I couldn't sleep.
Unfortunately, sleep is necessary for my mental health, so this last couple of weeks I have been a bit off on the whole goal accomplishing thing. I could choose to stay off track (as I normally would) but 2015 is my year and I refuse!!! I sit her on a Saturday, posting on my blog. A blog that I have been trying to post to consistently on for years! Now, I am making strides at doing so. I also running a few of my own businesses and have almost completed my business plan for my non profit. Success is eminent with hard work and positivity.
I am not going to lie...this is where I usually hit my wall. I start doubting that I can accomplish my goals, that I can go above and beyond...I mean what makes me so special? Do I even deserve it? Yet, you know what?!?!? If I don't, my son does and my family members who have always been there for me do!Forgive me, I am working in counseling on self-love but until I actualize that, the love of money is enough to drive me to my success...

Stay Fluid,

LQD

P.S I now am offering a E-newsletter that will help you Stay Fluid: Including but not limited to Money Saving and Growing Tips, Style, Health, Beauty and Resources!!!!

The Switch

My favorite saying right now is "The struggle is real..." and that is the underlying theme of my life.

I have been told that I have a switch. No, not the switch your Grandma tells you to pick out from the tree in the yard when you've been acting up. My switch is like a light switch. It pertains more to relationships. Especially intimate ones. I can be in love, so in love one minute and the next minute I'm turned off. However, unlike a light switch I don't get turned back on. For example, say I am romantically involved with you and I am in love. I will change my whole life for you and do almost anything for you. One day though, I might wake up and look at you in disgust. Now!Wait! Before you judge or flee in fear...I can't say that these feelings or lack there of are not tied to actual events that occurred in the relationship because they may be. If that is the case, the change in my emotions never happens instantly after an event occurs but occurs in an instant later down the road.For instance, I have stayed with a cheater still desperately in love and it wasn't until months later that i woke up, looked at him and felt nothing. After months of crying and running after this ninja, staying with him and taking care of him in every way, I woke up emotionless and itching to get away. Trembling with dread at the thought of his touch. Now, I am not going to say that I wouldn't be friends with a person that I have 'flipped off' but there is just no going back to that first love I gave. I no longer have 'romantic' love type feelings for them though I may have love for them
Ultimately, I ask the question have I ever really been in love? You have to love yourself first in order to love someone else. So when it comes to me, this question has real meaning. I am in the process of learning to love myself. I also am moving on from settling. Due to my extreme lack of self confidence issues, I often settle for those who like me because I am afraid there will be no one else. I don't think that I deserve my ideal man or even a man who truly treats me well. Thank God for therapy.
Now,
I hope is to apply this principal of a switch on other areas namely my addictions (well at least the more harmful ones). If I could just flip the switch on a few of these horrendous addictions then I believe by the end of this year, I will be able to meet all my goals. I have given up smoking to start and there are two others I must tackle. However, I am only going to hit the switches (lmao) one at a time.

Stay Fluid,

LQD

Happy Easter!!!