The Switch

My favorite saying right now is "The struggle is real..." and that is the underlying theme of my life.

I have been told that I have a switch. No, not the switch your Grandma tells you to pick out from the tree in the yard when you've been acting up. My switch is like a light switch. It pertains more to relationships. Especially intimate ones. I can be in love, so in love one minute and the next minute I'm turned off. However, unlike a light switch I don't get turned back on. For example, say I am romantically involved with you and I am in love. I will change my whole life for you and do almost anything for you. One day though, I might wake up and look at you in disgust. Now!Wait! Before you judge or flee in fear...I can't say that these feelings or lack there of are not tied to actual events that occurred in the relationship because they may be. If that is the case, the change in my emotions never happens instantly after an event occurs but occurs in an instant later down the road.For instance, I have stayed with a cheater still desperately in love and it wasn't until months later that i woke up, looked at him and felt nothing. After months of crying and running after this ninja, staying with him and taking care of him in every way, I woke up emotionless and itching to get away. Trembling with dread at the thought of his touch. Now, I am not going to say that I wouldn't be friends with a person that I have 'flipped off' but there is just no going back to that first love I gave. I no longer have 'romantic' love type feelings for them though I may have love for them
Ultimately, I ask the question have I ever really been in love? You have to love yourself first in order to love someone else. So when it comes to me, this question has real meaning. I am in the process of learning to love myself. I also am moving on from settling. Due to my extreme lack of self confidence issues, I often settle for those who like me because I am afraid there will be no one else. I don't think that I deserve my ideal man or even a man who truly treats me well. Thank God for therapy.
Now,
I hope is to apply this principal of a switch on other areas namely my addictions (well at least the more harmful ones). If I could just flip the switch on a few of these horrendous addictions then I believe by the end of this year, I will be able to meet all my goals. I have given up smoking to start and there are two others I must tackle. However, I am only going to hit the switches (lmao) one at a time.

Stay Fluid,

LQD

Happy Easter!!!